Toenails
by The Salad is Dressing
Summary: A Harry Potter X Mediator Crossover. Menstrual Voldemort. Bearded Adam. Dead CeeCee. Murderous Suze. Dumbledore and Dr Slaski. And where is Jesse? At band camp, of course!
1. Evil Toilets and Albus

Diisclaimer: Disclaimed to J.K. Rowling And Meg Cabot.

This isn't funny, or witty, or anything. I've just been reading way to many Mediator/Harry Potter Crossovers. To those who write mediator/Harry Potter crossovers, I'm sure your stories are great so don't be offended. I'm not mocking you. And I'm not mocking Harry potter or the mediator either. I LOVE THOSE BOOKS. And I am not mocking emo's either.

I just felt like doing a Mediator/Harry Potter crossover, so I did. Beware. It has a lot of gramma mistakes because I am waaaaaaaaaaaay to lazy to edit and check it. This is the product of me and the Flu and a computer.

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One day, Suze had found out she was the sister of a random guy called Harry Potter.

She also found out she was a witch, and started attending a witchcraft and wizardry school called Hogwarts. She was put in the house Gryffindor, because of her bravery and and corage. She was disapointed though, all the hotties were in Hufflepuff.

One day Suze had been happily making out with Albus Dumbledore in a broom closet when she and the old man were disturbed by a loud crash coming from outside the closet.

Suze burst out of the wardrobe.

"WHO DARES TO DISTURB ME AND MY ALBUS?"

She glanced down on the floor, and her question was answered, because Cee Cee Webb and Draco Malfoy were rolling around on the floor in a passionate kiss.

…………………………….

……………………………….

……………………………

…………………………………..

… Because … Like Cee Cee, Draco Malfoy was also an Albino.

The White hair, the pale skin… It all added up. He just didn't realize. No-one did. How Weird.

When he and Cee Cee, the snowy Californian, first laid eyes upon each other it was love at first sight. Or lust. Or insanity. Whatever.

ANYWAY, So there Suze was, watching in awe as the two rolled around on the floor, completely oblivious to her evil glorious glaring.

Suze was _very_ angry. Cee Cee was _not_ supposed to make out with Draco. She didn't know _why_, but she was thinking in _italics_, so it _must_ have been bad.

So Suze, in a moment of rage, swallowed Cee Cee whole.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", Draco screamed, "MY DARLING … WHATEVER HER NAME WAS, MY ONE TRUE LOVE, I'M GOING TO DIE WITHOUT YOU!"

He curled up into a small ball, and started to sing.

"All by myseeeeeeeeeeeelf.. don't wanna live, ALL BY MYSEEEEEEEEEEELF, ANYMORE!"

Suze ran away while she still could, in search of the toilet, because in case you've forgotten she'd just _eaten a person_ and was really, really needed to do a nice big-

"SHIT!"

Suze swivelled around to see three young Hogwarts students standing behind her, one of whom was her brother, Harry Potter.

Harry and his friends (She assumed they were his friends), the bushy haired girl and the red haired emo-looking boy, all glared at her.

Harry pointed a finger at her in rage.

"You!"

His fingered quivered in the air.

" .. Will … Die …."

Suze was shocked.

"But Harry, my darling brother, why do you want to kill me?"

Harry laughed an evil laugh, "Because then I can steal your evil toenails for myself .HAHAHAHAHA!"

Harry nodded.

The bushy haired girl nodded.

The Emo nodded.

Paul nodded.

WAIT .. WHAT WAS PAUL DOING HERE?

"Paul!" Suze squealed, before jumping into his arms.

"My darling Paul-ie poo! Have you come to save me from this ultimate peril?"

Paul shuddered, and shoved her off.

"No, I was looking for the toilet when I found this place, Wait, where's De Silva? And why does your breath smell like old men and Pee pee socks?"

"Jesse is at band camp."

Paul ignored her, for his eyes had landed upon Harry.

"Who is _that_ handsome young man?"

Suze frowned.

"That's just mah Bro' Harry. He wants to kill me and steal my toenails."

Paul scratched his chin and nodded wisely.

"Oh, don't worry, Jack was always jealous of my toenails. And the whole killing thing is just a sibling thing. You know, me and Jack go through the same thing. Hmm, .I can see the resemblance .. perfect brow's, smooth skin, those stunning green eyes…."

Harry grinned seductively.

Paul grinned back.

Suze wondered if Paul was actually Bi.

Paul wondered that as well.

Until he remembered that he was severely homophobic, and preceded to vomit all over Harry.

Suze laughed nervousely.

The Emo boy and the bushy haired girl thought 'Screw This!" and ran off to play dodge ball.

"Yeah… So …. I'll take you the toilets, I was just on my way there myself!"

Harry started drooling at Paul and his hotness until he drowned in his own saliva.

Suze shrieked for a while, until her and Paul forgot all about those yucky Hooligans and went off, hand in hand, to find the toilets.

Little did they know, that the Hogwarts toilets were no ordinary toilets. They were evil, siren toilets.

When they reached their destination and each sat on a lavatory (In separate cubicles, of course), Suze's toilet bit her on the butt.

While Paul's started singing. The toilet's song was so pretty, Paul fell in love and made-out with it. Suze was very angry that Paul had been so weak to let himself be seduced by a toilet, so she left him behind and went to find a bandaid for her poor, injured butt while Paul fraternized with the evil toilet.

After successfully plastering a bandaid on her butt, Suze grabbed her wand and wandered of to the Gyrffindor common room.

Feeling depressed because she missed Jesse and his gentlemen-ly ways, she made out with every guy in the room. Even though they were mostly first years.

Then she turned them into toads with her uber cool magical powers.

She found Malfoy, who was still curled up in a ball, screaming and singing for his star crossed lover, and joined him in his plight.

In fact, everyone was depressed, except for Adam, who married Sister Ernestine, Paul, who was still making out with an evil toilet, Dumbledore, who was dating Doctor Slaski, and Jesse, who was having fun at Band Camp.

**THE END**


	2. Mud Fights and Loathful Turkeys

HA! I made a very small second chapter. Sorry, I was listening to the song _Valleygirl_s, when I wrote this.

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Paul prised his lips off of the evil toilet and sauntered out of the bathroom. He was bored of the Toilet. It didn't appreciate him, and it couldn't for fill his needs.

He wandered through the Hogwarts corridors until he found Suze and an albino boy curled up on the floor, singing tragic romance songs.

_Very_ badly.

"Whats wrong, Suzie? Do you miss your precious little _Jesse?_" he sneered, leering down at them.

The Albino boy, whose name was Draco Malfoy, started drooling at the sight of Paul.

Suze jumped up.

"Whats wrong Paulie-poo? Did your toilet ditch you?"

Paul flinched. He missed the toilet already, as boring as it was.

"Whatever," Paul snapped, "Lets go make out!"

Suze happily agreed, having forgotten to take her pills, and they both found an empty classroom to entertain themselves in.

When Paul kissed suze, he was strongly reminded of the toilet.

Meanwhile, Jesse had come to Hogwarts, looking for Suze, because he was banned from band camp.

Apparently your musical instraments are for musical purposes only.

He stumbled upon the dead Harry, who had previously drowned in his own saliva.

He thought he was Suze, and, being devastated that his love was dead, he gave Harry mouth to mouth to bring him back to life.

Once Harry began breathing, Jesse noticed that he was smelly and covered in Vomit. He also noticed that he was boobless.

"_Nombre De dios_," He cried, "How could I have thought that this vile child was my beautiful Susannah!"

At that precise moment Paul and Suze came out from the classroom, both looking rather dazed and muffled.

"Wow, Suze, you've gotten better. Who have you been practising on?"

Suze giggled, "You wouldn't know him … he's an OLD friend if you know what I mean…"

Suze suddenly saw Jesse.

Jesse saw her.

Paul saw Harry.

Harry saw Suze.

Jesse saw Paul.

Paul saw Jesse.

Harry saw Jesse and Paul.

Paul and Jesse stripped down to there purple speedo's and started having a big wrestle in a large and random puddle of mud.

Suze watched in delight.

So did Harry.

So did Draco Malfoy.

So did The Emo boy and bushy haired girl.

So did all the other students at Hogwarts.

Hagrid was even selling popcorn.

Eventually Severus Snape, the headmaster, (Dumbledore was on holiday with Doctor Slaski) came out and broke it up. Then, seeing as Jesse and Paul didn't even attend Hogwarts, sent them away. Later on he and Professor McGonnagall at their own heads, but nobody really cared. They were to busy writing down their recounts on the great Mud Fight.

Eventually Suze got bored and dragged Harry away.

"Comeon harry, lets go stay with Adam and Erny. This school is like, totally _bogus_!"

So Suze and Harry were adopted by Adam and his wife, Sister Ernestine.

Occasionally Father Dom would come to visit, and he'd give them free turkeys.

Oh how they loathed those Turkeys.

THE END


	3. Menstrual Voldemort and Violent Suzie

I'm pretty disappointed with this chapter. Again, I'm to lazy to edit it. More character death.

Disclaimed to Meg Cabot, J.K. Rowling and Lemony Snicket.

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Father Dom was living in a little cottage next his prize winning turkey farm. He'd bought it last year, when he'd retired from being a principal. He'd always been fond of turkeys. Occasionally he'd steal some turkeys and give them to his friends (Real and Imaginary), but mostly he'd just run and around and play with them.

Suze however, had been adopted by Sister Ernestine A.K.A. Ernie and Adam, and was living in their large mansion with her brother Harry.

They kept their turkeys in cellar for when they needed them.

Suze was painting her Brother Harry's toenails black when all of a sudden someone burst into the room.

Yes, it was Lord Voldemort.

The scar on Harry's for-head started to hurt.

"I'm going to kill you all!" Screamed Lord Voldemort.

Suze and Harry both yawned.

"Like, PMS much?"

Both Suze and Harry nodded sympathetically.

They were both very alike. For example, they both had a tendency to break rules and go ion weir, supernatural adventures.

Lord Voldemort shrieked.

The he clutched his abdomen, "Oh the pains … the glorious menstrual pains …"

Sister Ernie came in and gave him some Panadol.

Then Harry realized that this was Lord Voldemort, and they weren't supposed to be nice to him, because he killed his parents.

Sister Ernie remembered she was a nun and couldn't get married.

Adam grew a beard. He though it was sexy and masculine, but he was very wrong.

Lord Voldemort screamed in pain, wondering how Adam McTavish came to acquire a mansion when he was only sixteen years old.

Suze realized that she was living in a big mansion with a nun and a crazy bearded man while she painted her brothers toenails with the dark lord having menstrual cramps beside them.

"This is so lame. Let's go live somewhere else."

Suze and Harry were going to leave the mansion, but Count Olaf suddenly appeared and blocked their way.

"Give me your fortune!"

Suze and Harry stared,

"Are you the guy from A series of Unfortunate Events? I love those books!"

Count Olaf blushed.

"Why ….. Someone who finally appreciates my talents at acting!"

Lemony Snicket suddenly burst in, wearing a mask to cover his face.

"DON'T READ MY BOOKS. THEY ARE _SO TRAGI_C"

He grabbed Olaf and ran from the room.

Suze breathed out, "Wow. That was weird."

Harry nodded. He then poked Lord Voldemort WITH A SPOON, who was still lying on the floor moaning in pain while Ernie and Adam signed divorce papers.

Once the papers were signed, Ernie flapped her wings and took off, continuing her career as a magical flying nun.

Suze started feeling violent. She grabbed a frying pan and knocked Harry out. She pulled a machine gun from her pocket and blew Voldemort to pieces.

She would've killed Adam, but he was her adopted father, so she settled for knocking him out as she did to Harry.

She then hopped on her broomstick with her wand by her side, travelling to Hogwarts.

Once she arrived, she grabbed her machine gun and blew up everything in sight, including all the students.

She then ran up to Dumbledore's office, and, using her wand, turned him into a pile of poo.

Dr Slaski tried to bring him back, but alas, he was gone. Poor Dr Slaski. He was in love with Dumbledore. He swore he'd avenge his death, as long as he lived. Which probably wouldn't be much longer, come to think of it. Besdies, Dr Slaski was pregnant.

Suze knocked Dr Slaski out with her frying pan.

"I AM UNSTOPPABLE!" She yelled, "I AM DARTH VADOR!"

There was only one student left.

The love-struck Draco Malfoy, who was still curled up into a ball, crying for Cee Cee.

Sh raised her finger to poke him, but ……

It was then that Cee Cee's ghost decided to materialize.

Suze was shocked. She didn't know what to do. What if Cee Cee was angry and tried to dice, and slice her? After all, she _did_ eat Cee Cee.

But Cee Cee just squealed, happy to see her friend, feeling as cheerful as a daffodil.

Suze quickly shot Draco with her machine gun, sick of his insufferable moaning.

A few seconds later he had materialised beside Cee Cee, dead and surrounded by a ghostly aura.

"MY DARLING! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!"

Cee Cee rolled her eyes. She'd liked him at first, but _this_? This was corny.

Draco Malfoy was SO happy he exploded, even though he was a ghost.

Suze and Cee Cee both felt _extremely _disgusted as they peeled all of the ghost muck of themselves.

The Murderous Suze and the ghostly Cee Cee went to fetch Harry and Adam from where they were still unconscious in Adam's mansion.

Together, they would take over the world.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

**THE END**

**Maybe next chapter I'll put Jesse and paul in … but I can't guarantee their safety.**


	4. Kelly's Special Place!

I'm sorry, but I think that the end of this fic is nearing. I've lost inspiration. This is probably the last chapter.

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Kelly Prescott was feeling very lonely as she sat in her trailer. Yes, she was living in a trailer park. All her money had been stolen by Count Olaf, so she'd been forced to leave her mansion and start living in a trailer park. Her family had all mysteriousely disappeared at sea anyway.

Kelly didn't mind her trailer. It was like a big girl scout cubby .. or a love pad or something bitchin' like that. It was her special place. She didn't mind that she had to live on Hot Dogs and it was way ruining her awsome figure.

As for how her trailer looked, she'd made it homy. She super glued her barbie collection all over the walls and had even plastered posters of Justin Timberlake all over it. Unfortunately, she could only fit at least 567 of her winnie the poo soft toys in there ... such a shame. She kept her cosmetics in the fridge, and couldn't understand why her liquid eye-liner was _always_ freezing. Like, Weird.

As I was saying, she was feeling very lonely. She made a wish, that one day a handsome young man would come and marry her.

All of a sudden SHOCK HORROR Comic book guy from the Simpson storms into her trailer, his brown beard all greasy and gross. Kelly gulped. She was scared. A random Yellow man had just invaded her lonesome trailer.

"Come away and we can go off and dance with the fairies, my love!" he sung to Kelly, his belly rumbling from his spider-man T-shirt.

Kelly looked uncomfortable, "I'm. uhh … waiting 'till marriage?"

Comic Book Guy was obviously very disappointed. He left without a word.

Five minutes later, Kelly was about to eat a hot dog when Sister Ernie burst in, screaming, 'SODOMY IS A SIN!"

Kelly was very stupid. She didn't even know what Sodomy was. She thought it was … The art of sausages or something equally lame.

"Dude, it's just a Hot Dog, like, get over it."

Ernie shook her head gravely, and without a word, flapped her wings and flew out the chimney. Or she would have, if there was a chimney in the trailer. Instead she just climbed through the window.

Ten minutes later, Kelly was halfway through eating her delicious Hotdog when Paul Slater tumbled through her window, looking very battered and beaten, and a toilet seat stuck to his mouth.

"DENIAL ISN'T JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT! DON'T YOU _UNDERSTAND _THAT? AND I AM _NOT_ AN APPLE NO! NO _NO_ NO!"

Kelly stared at him in silence.

He stared back.

She made him a hot dog, and he ate it, though the toilet seat made it kinda hard to eat. Then he left, but not before using her toilet. For a very lengthy amount of time.

She finally finished her dog and was about to go to sleep on her pink trailer fold out bed when she was blown to pieces by a machine gun.

Yes, Violent Suze, Ghostly Cee Cee, bearded Adam and his adopted Son Harry had come and killed Kelly. Adam cut of all her hair and used it as hair extensions for his beard.

They all left without a word.

Jesse de Silva was in hiding, planning ways to destroy Suze and end her rampage of Destruction. She'd been farting, killing, and eating everything in sight, along with her evil accomplices. He had to stop her, before she destroyed Donald Trump, or, even worse, Rod Stewart. **(A/N: Lol, I'm obsessed with those two. I think they were separated at birth.) **She'd already murdered Paris Hilton, but Jesse didn't really blame her for that. No-one did.

Meanwhile, Debbie Mancuso had grown large wort on her forehead. It was icky. She didn't like it. So she cut it off, and then bled to death. Father Dom found her and fed her to his turkeys… those loatheful turkeys ….

Anyway, the author of this story had writers block and couldn't think of anything else to write and decided to put this story on Hiatus. Maybe more reviews Wink Wink Nudge Nudge might inspire her to write further. No, I'm only kidding. I've used up all the characters by now, cos most of them are dead. I could bring them back to life, but that's a bit Cliché, don't you think? At least for this story.

Bye! (Please Review)


	5. OH NO! A Mary Sue!

Hello! I finally updated. I found some inspiration. I have nothing against Mary Sue's or OC's or anything, by the way. And the whole –long lost sister- thing isn't that bad either.

ANYWAY! This chapter isn't as random or funny as the first four, but it's an update. Maybe next chapter I'll add a random make out scene, that'd be funny.

THANKS TO ALL MY PRECIOUS REVIEWERS! Y'all really boost my ego.

WARNING: UNEDITED AND _VERY_ SHORT.

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Brad Ackerman liked to think he was a great catch. He thought of himself as an attractive, handsome, charming, interesting and intelligent young man.

Unfortunately, not many women considered fart jokes charming and he never understood that _just because you have a very large head, it doesn't make you intelligent!_

Alas, Poor Brad-ums was a hopeless case, and he never did find someone who appreciated him for his talents (What _were_ they again? Wrestling, Hmm, eating, definitely, What about kissing? No, no. Definitely _not_. I know! Swearing! Yes, Wrestling Eating and Swearing. And maybe sarcasm, no, he wasn't smart enough to be sarcastic either.)

As you've probably realised, he was not the sharpest tool in the shed. Or the brightest star in the sky. Or the greenest grass. Or the fluffiest sheep – Ok. You get the picture now?

Yes, our dear Brad-ums, was a rather un-intelligent young boy, and he _was_ rather delusional when it came too … well, everything, actually.

So, as you can imagine, he couldn't seem to get a girlfriend. He thought of Suze, but she was his stepsister (Or maybe that was just his excuse), he thought of Kelly, but she was too smart…. For him at least, he thought of Sister Ernie but she was taken (DAMN!), he thought of Father Dom.

So Brad had never had a girlfriend. Or even a boyfriend. With the exception of Debbie, but she was a transvestite. She'd auditioned for 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' last year. She'd even invited Brad to come along (Author snorts imagining Brad singing time-warp in a French maid outfit), but he told her he didn't want to 'Cramp her style'.

Besides, she was turkey feed now anyways.

Brad was sitting in his bedroom, feeling very sad and loser-y when something strange happened.

Out of the blue popped ….. A Mary Sue.

(A/N: You do know what a Mary Sue is …. Right?)

But this was no normal Mary Sue. She had a pink afro. She wore a pear of pink leopard skin Speedo's over a pair of black leggings. She wore an enormous green t-shirt which was tucked into her leggings) that read 'I LIKE MONKEYS!'

Guess what. She was Paul's long lost sister.

Brad was very happy. He proposed. She said yes.

They had 10 babies: Boo Bah, Franny, Bob, Bobbitt, Debbie, Rocky, Mario, Lewigi, Pickachu, Power Puff, and Squi- Wait, that's more than ten. Whatever.

Suze, Harry, CeeCee and Adam all appeared and tried toload their massive machine guns- all of a sudden Father D blew up the house with a bomb, killing everyone in it.

Paul came along with an army of toilets. Father D grabbed his army of turkeys. The turkey fought with the toilets, beak against seat, squawking and flushing.

Eventually Paul got hungry and ate all the turkeys. Then Brad and the Mary Sue crawled out of the rubble of the explosion, completely unharmed. Their children didn't surface though. They were all dead. Everyone cried. Except Paul, because he was an ass.

Father Dom decided to become a nun, Paul decided to demolish his toilet army and go make out with a duck, and Brad and the Mary sue ran off to New Zealand to eat sanwidges.

Later on Jesse came along to the Ackerman house, only to see it had exploded. He cried for a bit, and then went to McDonalds. _I'm lovin' it._

THE END

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That's it. I like to think that it was as good as the other ones but…. Meh. Hehehehehe. Debbie. Transvestite. Brad. Babies. I apologise for the shortness of it.

REVIEW! Please!


	6. Old McDonald had a Turkey

One fine, sunny day, every single character who previousely died MAGICALLY came to life.

In McDonalds.

Jesse, who, at the time was buying a Happy Meal.

The lady at the counter mumbled something incoherent to the surrounding customers, stimulating Jesse's sudden outburst of emotion –

'Why aren't they're any 'My Pretty Pony' toys left? Why? WHY, WHY, WHY?"

The lady at the counter, again, mumbled something incoherent, causing jesse's face to go pale with rage.

'I'LL SUE! I'L SUE YOU ALL, DAMMIT. EVEN IF I HAVE TO HIRE SLATER TO BE MY LAWYER!"

Paul popped his head from around the corner,

"Technically, I'm only seventeen. I haven't even been to- "

Jesse started wailing. And crying. He curled up in the middle of the floor and started shrieking….

Oh, the inhumanity of it all. If only they'd given him his My Little Pony toy.

However, as afore mentioned, Susannah and any other previousely deceased characters had – MAGICALLY – been revived.

So Suze saw the whole scene, and was, like,

'Omg! Jesse!"

And Jesse said, like,

'Omg! Susannah!"

Susannah rushed over to him and they made out on the floor. Customers began stepping over them to order.

Draco Malfoy and CeeCee started making out again.

Dumbledore and Doctor Slaski ran away to have their dirty way with each other.

Paul cried.

Voldemort went to the nearest super market and back so he bought some tampons. Then he ate some spaghetti.

Everyone thought that was really weird.

"LIKE, HELLO. Spaghetti, is like SO rank," Jesse blatantly pointed out.

Then he and Suze began making out again.

Voldie say Paul crying and began to rub his back,

'Are you okay, darling? Do you have menstrual pains too?"

Paul blinked.

'Stop touching me you bald freak."

He then went and punched Jesse.

Jesse stood up and punched him back.

ALL OF A SUDDEN – Father Dom burst in with a new batch of turkeys. They ate Jesse to death.

"Excellent… Excellent.. " Father Dom whispered to himself.

Paul and Suze started making out.

Adam married Voldemort.

Everyone was happy.

Except for Kelly, who had been reincarnated as a monkey. With a red bum.

"Eeeewww…. Does this mean I'm like, really horny?"

She shut up quickly as one of Father Doms turkeys began shaking it's bum in her direction. She giggled, and they found a motel.

The author begins to vomit.

And this Chapter was lame and short. Yay!


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